My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
