Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
