Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
