Small penises have feelings too.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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