either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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