his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
