Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
