She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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