If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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