there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
