You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
