she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
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Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
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Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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