dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
