WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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