I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
