a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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