Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
