so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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