Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
