Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
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if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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