I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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