Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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