Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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