What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
