I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
