I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
