i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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