3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He kissed a someone with a penis
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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