The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
