I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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