I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
