i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
