Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
