We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
