she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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