Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
