I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
