I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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