You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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