U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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