When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
