Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
