hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
