I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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