It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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