They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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