Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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