dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
