she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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