Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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