I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
