Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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