I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
