the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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